I have the words to a song by Beautiful Eulogy today as I write. In the song If… the hook says “It could mean everything it could mean nothing, one word makes the difference. It could mean everything, it could mean nothing, one word changes everything.” It’s a song all about how one word can really make a difference in how our situations and circumstances go. It’s of course a little hyperbolic, but makes you think and wonder.
In Scripture, we can be reminded of the famous words from Ephesians 2, “But God…”. We were dead in sin, but God saved us. Two words completely flipped the script and did make a difference. It made all the difference. What does this have to do with parenting? It shows that in parenting, it isn’t the big monumental shifts and changes that will bring about change in our kids, their attitudes, behaviors, etc. it is the small incremental changes that make the difference. It is the slight change in words or tone or actions and attitudes towards them that brings about slow and steady growth in our children.
We have struggled in our household with conversing through our days. This is pretty normal kids stuff, but we knew something was up with our oldest. Something was off. Even at 7, the more you dig in, the more they retreat. So we found a new approach. It started with asking one question and has morphed into two.
Question 1- What are you thankful for today?
Ask it and shut up. See what comes out of their mouths. Sometimes, it’s getting to play outside for recess. Sometimes, it’s getting to eat a favorite food for dinner. Sometimes, it’s thankfulness for Jesus dying on the cross for our sins. Sometimes, it’s nothing. All answers are okay. The goal isn’t to get the right response. The goal is to get them talking. The goal is to listen. Recently, we added a question.
Question 2- What are you looking forward to tomorrow?
Again, ask it and just listen. These are the things that are important to your kid. I’m excited for gym class tomorrow. I’m excited to go to the park. I’m not excited about anything tomorrow. I’m excited about going to church. All answers are okay. The point isn’t the answer, the point is the space to talk, hope, dream, and reflect.
Sometimes, we do dive into answers a little deeper. If they mention a friend, I’ll ask them what they like about their friend. I’ll ask them about the park and what they are going to do there. Most of the time though, they answer, we move on. What my kids have given me is a glimpse into their hearts and minds. They are saying, “Dad, this is what’s important to me!”
We still struggle with communicating for sure. I can tell you though, my kids are starting to see that the door to Mom and Dad’s ears is open. My wife is great at this. I’ll be playing with the kids and one of them will disappear to see Mom and come back 10 minutes later. She just listens to them and their problems. There isn’t coaxing or arm pulling. It’s just a gentle conversation because Mom listens. I’ve loved seeing it.
There are a myriad of ways to go about this. This is one way that’s worked for us in a small way. The goal is to intentionally do what YOUR kid needs. This isn’t a call to do what we do at all. It’s a call to open your eyes and ears to your children and see what they need. Maybe don’t swing for the fences this time in hopes of dynamic change, but maybe try for a small change that can impact the here and now.
Comments